Challenge Accepted

So, naturally in true Girl J fashion, I’m a bit late to the game, but I’m accepting the challenge nonetheless. However, I am also an open book so I am trying to think of things that none of these 3 girls know, and I am struggling but here we go:

1. When I was little, the first thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a tight rope walker. Despite my rounded frame, poor balance, and the lack of sufficient training facilities in the nearby area, I thought I had a chance. This endeavor was only overtaken years later for my desire to be . . . wait for it. . . an environmental photographer. I guess I thought National Geographic was wicked cool in 3rd grade. Both of these career paths were doomed once I realized I was scared of heights and disdained the nature.

2. Since everyone shared bathroom habits, I’ll tell one of mine. I listen to UYD in the shower. So, technically I’ve showered with Seth and Jonathan.

3. Despite being the 7th grade spelling champion, I am never sure how to spell words that have double consonants- most ironically “commitment.” (Thank God for spellcheck.)

4. I hate the circus with a fervent passion. Maybe it’s because I realized at a young age I wouldn’t be a tight rope walker, but I think there are a few reasons for this. First, I come from a long line of Italian women. We are scared of everything, and when those people are riding those motorcycles around that big globe thing or the guy’s in the lion cage it just scares me too much. Plus, have you seen what’s on cable? There are tons of more interesting things on there than what goes on at the circus.

5. I never mean to be late anywhere. Honestly, I usually think I’m going to be on time and am shocked when I’m late.

6. I am the most trusting soul you’ve ever met. If I meet someone and within moments they haven’t been mean to me or hit me or anything, I will tell them anything they want to know. I think it’s better to think people are inherently good and potentially get burned than be skeptical of everyone.

7. Nothing is sexier to me than a boy that reads for fun. . . or has a tattoo.

8. I love sushi but don’t know how to use chopsticks.

9. When I went to Europe with my family, I compared everything to the countries in Epcot. (i.e. “St. Mark’s Square is cleaner at Epcot.”) My parents were thrilled.

10. This one is a two-pronged point. A) If I could be any profession it would be a writer. B) I prefer to go to sleep with the TV on. Thus, if there isn’t a tv to be on or something like that, I create my novels in my head. Then, I’ll fall asleep. Then, next time (which could be the next night or months later) I’ll continue the story. Basically, I make mini-soap operas to catch some zzz’s.

What’s next, General? 15 more fun facts by NYE?

Girl A

Here are my things. I don't think you know them. A little delayed-but I figured the threat deadline of 7 days was weak. I knew I had until New Year's before I was truly shunned.

1. I am completely afraid of the primary care physician. I will gladly pay a visit every year to the allergist, gynecologist, dermatologist, dentist- no problem. I don't mind these various doctors taking a look at various pieces of me, but the thought of someone measuring me up in total seems entirely too invasive. I have avoided a primary care visit since 2004 when I returned from Thailand. And that was just to make sure I wasn't carrying some deadly Asian bird flu. And my mom made me.

2. I typically wait until sweaters and shirts I own actually get holes in them before I'll let myself buy new clothes.

3.When I was little, and I would get the rare treat of McDonald's, I would never be allowed to get fries AND a milkshake. I had to choose one or the other. I still adhere to this rule today at 27.

4. I am at my happiest when I am dreadfully busy. Although, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to plan my life so I am balanced and stress free. Seems counter intuitive I suppose.

5. I hate, loathe, despise inefficiency. Like if husband and I are doing errands, and we need a sponge, and we're at Target and we forget the sponge and have to go back- I literally almost lose it. It's a bad trait. I wish I could be more flexible. I'm learning.

6. Girl M- I sit down too.

7. I am often so concerned we won't have the money to pay the bills when we need it, that I tend to pay them before their due date. Just in case.

8. I negotiate with myself at least a dozen times a day. And I'm a tough opponent. I took a masters class in it once. Like, 'if you eat that cookie, you have to go for a run.' 'I'll go for a jog.' 'No, a run.' 'Ok I'll only eat half the cookie, and then jog.' 'Deal.'

9. I want a kid or kids, but I often have worries I'm too selfish. Like, when a 3 year old is throwing a legit tantrum on metro or in a restaurant, I have restraint problems. I feel like I'm going to explore. I am secretly terrified I don't have what it takes to be a good mother.

10. I'm a weenie and hate scary movies, which you may know. But it's more because I am afraid of what I'll dream.

Girl J-- you're up to bat.

Better Late Than Never

So a little bit ago, Girl S threw down a challenge for us all to share 10 secrets. I know there was some sort of deadline, and I'm positive I missed it...mostly because I forgot how to post to this thing! (Don't tell Girl A). Girl S's post was motivated by her dislike of Halloween, so it's only appropriate that I lead off the ten things you don't know about Girl M with:

1) I'm not a fan of Thanksgiving. It's the only major holiday that does not have booze associated with it. Christmas has spiked eggnog, valentine's day has champagne (or roofie-coladas, depending on where you are in the relationship), Easter has church wine (Jesus Juice), Paddy's day has guinness, and July 4th has jungle juice and bud light. What does Thanksgiving have? Family. WITHOUT. ALCOHOL. Doesn't seem right, yo. I can't drink a turkey.

2) Sometimes I wonder if I actually have a drinking problem. I don't really think I do...but if I found out I did...I wouldn't be shocked. (I'd probably just be drunk). I think I could definitely stop drinking if I wanted to...I just can't imagine ever wanting to. Guinness is just too damn good.

3) If someone put a gun to my head, I still couldn't name a single Justin Beiber song. I can't tell him and Emma Watson apart.

4) I used to be convinced I would be famous for something - not sure what - probably something totally random. Like the first girl to ever drink a turkey or something. And then I would pretend that Ellen was interviewing me, and in the interview, I would tell Ellen how I used to pretend that she was interviewing me. So it would go a little something like this "Oh my gosh Ellen, I have to confess, before I was famous I used to pretend that you were interviewing me when I was in the shower or something. It's so embarassing now that I'm famous." I still do this in the shower.

5) Unless I'm in a bar or other similarly gross public place, I just go ahead and plop right down on the toilet seat. I work hard. I play hard. I'm tired...and sometimes it feels like the bathroom is one of the only places where it's quiet (depending on what I had for dinner)where I can relax. Squatting above the seat reminds me of having to do wall sits when we would train for volleyball in high school. Aint nuthin relaxing about that. Also - I have never, nor will I ever, use one of those paper ring things that some nicer places have for you to put down on the seat before you sit on it. I figure if they've got their shit together enough to have paper butt protectors, their seats are probably pretty clean in the first place.

6) Sometimes I have very serious, legitimate concerns that I'm too gross.

7) If I could have one wish, it would be that I could write music.

8) If I hadn't doomed myself to professional life by going to law school, I think would have sleeves by now.

9) I have no idea what I'm doing. A little bit of me sorta hopes I never figure it out. It's more fun not knowing...and secretly hoping that maybe I really will get famous and be interviewed by Ellen.

10) I feel more at home in places I've never lived.

Accept My Challenge

Am I the only person in the world who could give or take Halloween? I’m just not a fan; I guess I think Halloween is for amateurs and posers. No offense to all those who love the holiday, it’s just not my bag (but in a very different, less bitter way than saying Valentines Day is not my bag). Once I was too old to ask for candy, I sort of gave up. You know what I did last night? I worked. My ass off. Whatevs, I have a big event this week. I’m not embarrassed. I worked while watching two terrifying movies; so technically, I’m still a bad ass—although I did sleep with my biggest knife next to my bed, rubber-banded my closet and bathrooms doors together so no one could get in through the front, and hid my box cutta' under my fancy pillows—bad ass none the less.

My friends think it’s weird I don’t like Halloween or costumizing; I feel like I should because everyone else does. I used to dress up (above). I love Hocus Pocus, scary movies and reading horrifying books. I’d be the first to go on a ghost tour or into an abandoned house looking for demons, but I’m the last to want to put on a costume and repeatedly tell people who I am. Shocking, I know…

SO, here is my challenge (a la Barney of HIMYM) to you girls. Let’s try and bring this blog back. Screw the rules and the list and the 10 things we should have done in 2010 but were too damn busy…

…although, never too busy to read tabloids…US Weekly has a column every issue where a celeb writes ‘25 things you don’t know about me.’ I think it will be funny to find out 25 little tidbits about you fools that may actually surprise us…like an indifference to Halloween or a closeted love of racy novels (ahem). I’ll start us off with a few, and then you go… If you don’t contribute to this list in the next 7 days, I will shun you at New Years. SHUN. YOU.

1. My favorite author is James Patterson
2. I dance in the shower
3. I like reading anything about Carl Jung, the Titanic, the Holocaust & Lil Wayne
4. I think my disdain for cheese is slowly fading, excluding cream cheese
5. Everyone thinks I’m a party animal, but I drink less than anyone I know
6. My favorite place to visit is DC
7. My favorite food is probably sandwiches. Or mint chocolate chip ice cream.
8. I don’t keep anything plugged in when I leave my house
9. I’m a Republican
10. I constantly hit things with the front of my car

Now you go…

RAKs are contagious!

We're trendsetters!! Thursday night, at a work dinner, I was telling people about our 10 in '10 list. I mentioned the random acts of kindness, and how I never know what qualifies as a "random" act of kindness. (I still haven't figured it out.) Anyways, the next day at work this was posted to the vending machine at work. Is it just a coincidence that I was at dinner with 20 co-workers one evening debating the randomness of these good deeds, and the very next day there are $2 posted to the vending machine asking them to pay it foward? This has never happened in the 3 years I've been there so I struggle to believe it is. Way to go, GO2K10!

Mark Morrison is Underrated. And Chris Rock is Wrong.

Today girl J and I took a road trip of sorts to Harper’s Ferry….and by “Harper’s Ferry” I mean a McDonald’s, some dandelion fields, and some random ass Maryland fiefdom where there were more cows than people. We eventually found Harper’s Ferry (twenty minutes before they shut it down) but that’s neither here nor there. The point is – we had about five solid hours of car time and it was ALL awesome. Why, you ask? Well – the scintillating wit of Girl J made the ride more than pleasant, but the real treat was a little piece of heaven I like to call “the nineties station on Sirius radio.” Simply put – those jams are the jam!

Girl J knows lots of things about lots of things – and she mentioned that Chris Rock has a sketch where he says your favorite songs are the songs you first “boned down” to. At first, being of innocent mind and body that I am, I thought she meant “boned” as in the first time you de-boned poultry. (I’ve never done that, so I’d be totally musically screwed). Then I thought per chance she misspoke, and by “boned down” she meant “boned up,” as in “before I saw Fiddler on the Roof, I ‘boned up’ on my Yiddish.”

I soon realized (after Girl J gave me a quick demonstration with some gummy bears about what happens when two people love each other) that the scandalous Girl J was speaking of the “doing it.” That means if Chris Rock is right, my favorite song would be “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Though sometimes when I’m drunk I get confused, and once screamed “I lost my virginity to this song!” while a nice Mormon boy played “Comfortable” at an open mic night. (All John Mayer ballads sound the same. Am I right?)

I gotta be honest, I would take “Return of the Mac” over “Wonderland” in a hot second - mostly because “Wonderland” now reminds me of frat houses, baboon noises, and egregious chest hair. Regardless, it got me thinking. Why am I so nostalgic for the late nineties? What was going on in my life that makes me squeal like a school girl every time En Vogue’s “Don’t Let Go” comes on the radio? Why do the sweet sounds of Montel Jordan’s “This is How We Do It” fill me with glee? Why does that Merry Moon song about vegetarians make me feel like a new age girl now matter how old I get? (She don’t eat meat but she sure likes to…bone. OMG I get it now! Filthy.)

A quick perusal of the ol’ early high school year books reveals that I was still awkward as hell in the nineties, knee deep in braces, acne, and tammy fae make up. If I remember correctly, I was dating a guy from Girl S and my grade school at the time, who left me for a cheerleader at one of the “public” high schools. (Skanky sinner she was.) I’m sure I hated my parents with a vengeance. I was wearing Air Walks religiously. I had not two, but a single brow (a “uni,” if you will). By all objective standards, the late-nineties should never have been my glory days. Nevertheless, I spent five hours today doing the “Come on and Ride It, the Train” dance out of the sun roof whilst belting Keith Sweat tunes.

And then it hit me – I may have been socially awkward, unkempt, and downright visually offensive, but I spent the early nineties with Girls S, J, and A. That’s when we all met each other (with the exception of S and I), when we all realized we had something pretty frickin’ special, and when we started on the not so long-and-winding road to becoming like family to each other. I’d do anything for these broads, and I know they’d do anything for me (except delete that video of me on my 22nd birthday half naked on the floor of my dorm room attempting to either break dance or throw up. The record is unclear).

The late nineties is when I got me some sisters. I’d say that trumps egregious chest hair any day…

Oh what a night...

If there was ever something to blog about, it would absolutely be my shitty-ass night. It all started out so normally, poppin’ bottles at the club with friends, but then we got separated and around 2:30 am, things went south for Girl S. I shake my fist to last night. I raise both hands and exclaim “COME ON?!” to last night. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die after last night (which almost happened, sorta). And since I can barley speak the words about the events that transpired, I’ll write about it. Let it all out, if you will. Please know this blog will contain expletives, and as usual we ask that if you cannot handle it, earmuff it- or eyemuff it, whatevs.

Some nights are great, and some nights you accidentally get locked in your own bathroom with no lights, no hope, and no way out. In my own defense, I didn’t know I was stuck in my lavatory. I actually have no clue how I ended up there, hopeless and in the dark, but I swear it when I say I couldn’t get out. The door handle wouldn’t budge, I was (apparently) too drunk to even consider turning on the lights, and somehow my crazy carnal instincts kicked in. I tried clawing through my own fucking bathroom wall. I couldn’t see anything, so I decided to dig with my nails. Then, I hulked-out and bent a reinforced steel towel holder, which I totes planned on ramming through the wall, ceiling or door to create a hole for me to crawl out of. It was at that moment I convinced myself I was losing oxygen.

Really, I don’t know how this started or how I unknowingly wound up in my bathroom, thinking my life was over. What I do know is that I need to stop watching shows about murderers, death and violence. I’ll just say it: I think I thought I had been kidnapped. It happens all the time on Criminal Minds, so I did what all the other kidnapped girls on TV do—I started scream-crying “HELP ME! HELP ME” and banging on the bathroom walls, which at the time I thought were closing in on me.

If you haven’t figured it out, I drank entirely too much last night. My evening sucked, even before the bathroom debacle, and it’s really got me wondering how we get ourselves involved in certain shitty situations. Oddly enough, getting stuck in my own bathroom wasn’t the worst thing that happened last night, but it was the most eye opening.

Here are a few things I learned:
1. You cant claw through drywall
2. My neighbors are ass-holes for not checking on me. I was probably screaming for 10 minutes straight.
3. When in doubt, relax and look for the light switch.
4. Don’t think the worst of every situation; you’re probably not locked in a storage unit without lights or air, waiting for Killer to come back and finish you off.
5. If anyone was keeping count, I officially hulk-out on vodka/soda now too. Please add it to the list after whiskey and tequila.

Clearly, I made it out alive. At some point the door popped itself open, or my screaming sobered me up long enough to locate the handle…but I swear it opened on its own, or perhaps Killer did it. The best part is, I actually have a friend who came over to make sure I was okay, and that there was no one in my house. At 3am. He didn’t even judge me, or my destroyed bathroom. I am some sorta crazy, I tell ya…

As always, I will leave the readers with a cheer. Something to sum up me night, matey.

R-O-W-D-I-E

THAT'S the way we spell ROWDIE

Get ROWDIE

YA YA

Get ROWDIE

ROWW-D!!!