If there was ever something to blog about, it would absolutely be my shitty-ass night. It all started out so normally, poppin’ bottles at the club with friends, but then we got separated and around 2:30 am, things went south for Girl S. I shake my fist to last night. I raise both hands and exclaim “COME ON?!” to last night. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die after last night (which almost happened, sorta). And since I can barley speak the words about the events that transpired, I’ll write about it. Let it all out, if you will. Please know this blog will contain expletives, and as usual we ask that if you cannot handle it, earmuff it- or eyemuff it, whatevs.
Some nights are great, and some nights you accidentally get locked in your own bathroom with no lights, no hope, and no way out. In my own defense, I didn’t know I was stuck in my lavatory. I actually have no clue how I ended up there, hopeless and in the dark, but I swear it when I say I couldn’t get out. The door handle wouldn’t budge, I was (apparently) too drunk to even consider turning on the lights, and somehow my crazy carnal instincts kicked in. I tried clawing through my own fucking bathroom wall. I couldn’t see anything, so I decided to dig with my nails. Then, I hulked-out and bent a reinforced steel towel holder, which I totes planned on ramming through the wall, ceiling or door to create a hole for me to crawl out of. It was at that moment I convinced myself I was losing oxygen.
Really, I don’t know how this started or how I unknowingly wound up in my bathroom, thinking my life was over. What I do know is that I need to stop watching shows about murderers, death and violence. I’ll just say it: I think I thought I had been kidnapped. It happens all the time on Criminal Minds, so I did what all the other kidnapped girls on TV do—I started scream-crying “HELP ME! HELP ME” and banging on the bathroom walls, which at the time I thought were closing in on me.
If you haven’t figured it out, I drank entirely too much last night. My evening sucked, even before the bathroom debacle, and it’s really got me wondering how we get ourselves involved in certain shitty situations. Oddly enough, getting stuck in my own bathroom wasn’t the worst thing that happened last night, but it was the most eye opening.
Some nights are great, and some nights you accidentally get locked in your own bathroom with no lights, no hope, and no way out. In my own defense, I didn’t know I was stuck in my lavatory. I actually have no clue how I ended up there, hopeless and in the dark, but I swear it when I say I couldn’t get out. The door handle wouldn’t budge, I was (apparently) too drunk to even consider turning on the lights, and somehow my crazy carnal instincts kicked in. I tried clawing through my own fucking bathroom wall. I couldn’t see anything, so I decided to dig with my nails. Then, I hulked-out and bent a reinforced steel towel holder, which I totes planned on ramming through the wall, ceiling or door to create a hole for me to crawl out of. It was at that moment I convinced myself I was losing oxygen.
Really, I don’t know how this started or how I unknowingly wound up in my bathroom, thinking my life was over. What I do know is that I need to stop watching shows about murderers, death and violence. I’ll just say it: I think I thought I had been kidnapped. It happens all the time on Criminal Minds, so I did what all the other kidnapped girls on TV do—I started scream-crying “HELP ME! HELP ME” and banging on the bathroom walls, which at the time I thought were closing in on me.
If you haven’t figured it out, I drank entirely too much last night. My evening sucked, even before the bathroom debacle, and it’s really got me wondering how we get ourselves involved in certain shitty situations. Oddly enough, getting stuck in my own bathroom wasn’t the worst thing that happened last night, but it was the most eye opening.
Here are a few things I learned:
1. You cant claw through drywall
2. My neighbors are ass-holes for not checking on me. I was probably screaming for 10 minutes straight.
3. When in doubt, relax and look for the light switch.
4. Don’t think the worst of every situation; you’re probably not locked in a storage unit without lights or air, waiting for Killer to come back and finish you off.
5. If anyone was keeping count, I officially hulk-out on vodka/soda now too. Please add it to the list after whiskey and tequila.
Clearly, I made it out alive. At some point the door popped itself open, or my screaming sobered me up long enough to locate the handle…but I swear it opened on its own, or perhaps Killer did it. The best part is, I actually have a friend who came over to make sure I was okay, and that there was no one in my house. At 3am. He didn’t even judge me, or my destroyed bathroom. I am some sorta crazy, I tell ya…
1. You cant claw through drywall
2. My neighbors are ass-holes for not checking on me. I was probably screaming for 10 minutes straight.
3. When in doubt, relax and look for the light switch.
4. Don’t think the worst of every situation; you’re probably not locked in a storage unit without lights or air, waiting for Killer to come back and finish you off.
5. If anyone was keeping count, I officially hulk-out on vodka/soda now too. Please add it to the list after whiskey and tequila.
Clearly, I made it out alive. At some point the door popped itself open, or my screaming sobered me up long enough to locate the handle…but I swear it opened on its own, or perhaps Killer did it. The best part is, I actually have a friend who came over to make sure I was okay, and that there was no one in my house. At 3am. He didn’t even judge me, or my destroyed bathroom. I am some sorta crazy, I tell ya…
As always, I will leave the readers with a cheer. Something to sum up me night, matey.
R-O-W-D-I-E
THAT'S the way we spell ROWDIE
Get ROWDIE
YA YA
Get ROWDIE
ROWW-D!!!
Best Blog EVER!!! As someone who talked to you at 12 a.m., I'm so happy to know you made it. Poor, poor bathroom though. It had no idea what was coming.
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